My Infertility Journey

I always knew I wanted to be a mom more than anything because I’ve always loved kids.

My husband, Rich, comes from a huge family (he has 35 first cousins!), so we decided early on that we wanted to have a big family of our own one day. When we first started dating, I told him that adoption was heavy on my heart and I’d always felt called to it. While he was open to the idea, we both agreed we wanted to have biological children of our own first, and then adopt afterward.

Soon after we got married, Rich and I started trying to have kids. We weren’t super careful because we liked the idea of our first child being a surprise, but as my friends started to get pregnant and I wasn’t having any luck, we started seeking fertility help.

Every doctor we saw was very positive and hopeful about our chances of conceiving. Rich and I are both very healthy, and our doctors actually warned us that my “perfect” bloodwork meant that there was a big possibility that we would have twins or triplets.

We remained hopeful, but as time passed, things just kept getting harder. We tried different fertility treatments for four years with no luck. I was on every fertility pill you could possibly be on. I had every shot you could try. On top of that, I had endometriosis surgery plus, multiple IUI treatments. Nothing seemed to be working. It was very hard on us as a couple, and it was really hard on me—both physically and emotionally. What was even harder was the fact that no doctor could diagnose us with a problem. To this day, we’ve never been diagnosed with an issue.

Our last stop was to see a specialist at a hospital in Nashville. She assessed our situation, then looked at us and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” I felt like the room was closing in on me, like she didn’t care at all. I remember being so angry—angry that we had wasted our time, angry that she didn’t care how we felt, and angry that she didn’t even want to try to help us.

I cried all the way home because I knew I couldn’t keep trying to conceive. It was too painful for my heart and my body. I felt like I was failing my husband because my body wasn’t doing “what it was supposed to do,” but I knew I couldn’t bear to move forward with fertility treatments any longer.

That night when we got home, I told Rich, “I can’t do this anymore.” It was a struggle for me knowing how much he wanted a large family and biological children of his own. Not being able to give him that made me somehow feel like less of a woman. But when he agreed “no more,” I felt like 100 pounds had been lifted off my shoulders. That’s when I started to pray more vividly and boldly than I ever had before.

“Lord, I know I’m supposed to be a mom,” I said. “No matter what that looks like, help me. Help me to become a mom. Help me fill my empty arms.”

I knew that God wanted us to be parents, but it took me a little while to see that He wasn’t calling us to be parents exactly how we thought. His plan for us was so much better than we could have ever imagined.

God’s plan is always better than what we can imagine for ourselves. We might think that we know the best way forward in our lives, but only He knows where to lead us. Whatever has led you to adoption, I hope you can see it as a blessing that is part of God’s greater plan for you and your family.